A Google + Community dialogue with Nicholas Klacsanzky in regards to this haiku
Nicholas:I was thinking the last two lines could make a nice juxtaposition:
my shadows at bay
an axe splits firewood
Me: A much more succinct take, I think I'll try adding the first line as a tanka. something like
My shadows at bay
An axe splits firewood
obscuring the moon
patches of clouds
+Bukusai Ashagawa the ending, in my opinion, doesn't have such a strong effect. Maybe you could consider a different ending.
I hear u Nicholas, It is one I will look at editing, especially if I'm fortunate enough to have another edition published. I agree in does lose some of its punch on that last line. Yet still I think it is effective in a more sublte and subdued way then many haiku. I think it speaks to the wonderment of pausing and looking up for a moment and experiencing life in the woods, of seeing the moon & stars, obscure and shadow the world around you; then putting your head back down while raising an axe to continue with the mundane chore of spliting firewood. I think this is a matter of fact observation, and objective observation that is not magical, but just is, is an insight into life and the wonderment that exists along side us as we go about or daily chores. Nothing strong, powerful, or brilliant, just matter of fact in it's insightful, yet ordinary existence.